Dear Starbucks, Don’t

Every once in a while I’m both bemused and excited about a current event. It creates that magic moment of surrealist irony that makes me laugh and simultaneously weep for humanity. This week, the event that receives this honor from me is Starbucks CEO, Howard Schultz and the now exposed directive to his employees to write “Race Together” on the side of customers’ cups in order to start a dialogue on race relations in this country.

Even though I hate to openly admit the following, I will for the sake of transparency. I like Starbucks. I like its coffee and its food. From a business perspective I think Howard Schultz is a genius and has built an excellent company. Now, what I won’t admit is that I enjoy any of the fru-fru latte’s (I only order those alone or with my wife, who keeps the secret and I always order “no whip”).

There’s really just too much here for me to handle but I can’t help myself. Wouldn’t a conversation about race relations be better spurred by a company who actually established itself in any predominantly black area? Now, I’m no Starbucks location expert, but I’ve seen hundreds of them and I can’t help but point out they’re all in seemingly upscale or at least on-the-rise areas that cater to your average white shopper.

So, I think I see what you’re doing here Starbucks. Like the hippies of old in Ashbury Heights, you have decided you have achieved the penultimate level of enlightenment and from the lofty heights of upscale Seattle neighborhoods you have now come to the conclusion that the way for you to save the world is to initiate race relations discussions in such segregated melting pots as your local coffee shops, which happen to also double as the epicenter of suburban, commercial whiteness. Well played.

I mean, can positive conversations about the plight of the inner-city black community really take place among a majority white, upper middle class customer base? What do you discuss? How you saw someone outside that looked like a Ferguson protestor and you felt so bad you refused eye contact, rolled your window up and sped away, scared they may assault you?

I’m fairly certain the irony contained in a conversation of race relations being had over a cup of $7 coffee with Colbie Caillat playing in the background all while surrounded by modern décor and a host of other all white conversation is just too much for me to bear. How about you just stick to coffee, good snacks and free wi-fi? Can you do that for me, Howard?

If the answer is no, then how about this: Build some nice new Starbucks locations in predominantly low income black communities and hire employees from the area. Actions often speak louder than words, you know. You may have to drop your prices though, because as it stands now your coffee is only available to the yuppie elite.

Let’s all keep in mind that’s it not okay for Hobby Lobby or Chik-Fil-A to have any opinions or beliefs that contradict any liberal beliefs without subjecting themselves to harassment and being lambasted by media. Now, will any mainstream media tell Mr. Shultz to keep his mouth shut and serve coffee? Will anyone else remind him that a white billionaire who serves fancy, expensive coffee to a host of other white people ranging from faux hipsters in skinny jeans and fedoras to designer jeans and Louis Vuitton bags is probably best served by not driving the race relations topic?

I’m fairly certain that since Starbucks coffee is the number one symptom to diagnosing White Girl Syndrome and in providing the foundation for all good “white girl” jokes it would stand to reason that it won’t be gaining momentum anytime soon as the modern day Foundation for Race Relations. You’d have thought that after the brouhaha started by the company’s policy towards second amendment proponents they’d learn to avoid these scenarios. But, when you’ve amassed a net worth of over $2 billion and are commonly recognized as one of the top leadership minds in the business world along with conning coffee lovers all over the United States to pay quadruple the normal price of a cup of coffee then you need something to do with your time, right?

I can’t wait until the next episode when Mr. Schultz becomes the voice of reason on American consumerism…