11 Steps to Not Suck at Being a Father

You know, sometimes I write these insightful wisdom filled blogs in order to share some humor and at other times, like this, I write them to fulfill my duty to humanity and reach out to the people of this world. You know, shine a light. Hey, you call it a flicker in a darkroom, I call it shine a light.

I suppose now you’re going to ask me what exactly qualifies me for writing a blog on the subject matter of this title. Glad you asked. I am one. I’m a stepdad too and all three combined kids are still alive, clothed, eat and are afforded other various luxuries in this life.

Secondly, I had a great man for a father. A rare case of dad who could handle dad and mom duties when necessary. A dad who valued honesty and integrity and embodied it. Not perfect, but a great dad and now a best friend.

I personally believe, as I’ve shared before in 12 Steps to Not Suck at Being a Man, that a father’s very basic responsibility is monetary provision, food and shelter. For me, this isn’t debatable and there is no excuse otherwise. However, meeting a basic step to not suck at being a man doesn’t make you a father.

Fathers have a responsibility to instill stability, self-worth, confidence, discipline and the model for what a daughter should expect from her future husband and what a man should expect to be for his future wife. Fathers are also the most important influence in developing a child’s social skills and mitigating possible behavioral issues both early on and later in life. (For more reading on this see www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/style/the-role-of-fathers-with-daughters-and-sons/)

Judging from today’s society, I’m going to go out on a limb and make the rather sarcastic assumption that there are many, many fathers in our day and age who suck at being fathers. I’m here to help men. With these simple steps we’ll make sure you have some guidelines to help you avoid the “YOU SUCK” list. (Please note that I have contemplated my harsh use of the word “suck” to apply to people who struggle with certain skillsets. I have considered all my Christian friends and their Pharisee-like judgment of a Christian man using such words. Get over it. I’ve decided I enjoy it, it’s funny and you need to relax both so we can enjoy this together and so I don’t have to blog about you.)

Without further ado, let’s get on with our list of 12 Steps to Not Suck at Being a Father:

• Give your child your time. They don’t make any more of it and your child needs yours. Get off Facebook, put down the laptop and quit blogging, leave work or anything else that gets in your way and spend time with your children. Forts, movies, walks, playing in the park, pushing them in a swing, video games and on and on. Time, just give them your time.
• Help your child mold their values and beliefs based on the values and beliefs you model. This goes one of two ways, either you model and teach your children values and beliefs or the world does. Look at it like this, either you teach your child about the real world or they’ll seek out the MTV world. So, if you’re okay with your children coming home from their public school and believing they’re just high-end monkeys free to have sex as they feel with whom they feel, choose their own gender, use whatever restroom makes them feel better and altogether do whatever they decide suits their mood then by all means don’t follow this step. WAKE UP MAN!
• Teach your children work ethic. Let’s face it, unless you’re one of the rising number of welfare entitled, freeloading moochers or fraudulent collectors of disability that leach off of the hard work of others then you too understand, lazy people suck. Hard work is important. You teach your children the value of hard work and even if they choose the wrong path or make some bad choices in life they’ll always have the ability to pick themselves up and meet their own basic needs. Unfortunately, lazy people abound in this country. They’re in the work place, our places of higher education, churches and any other place people are found. The bright side of this is that it’s not hard to excel if you know the value of hard work.
• Teach your sons to value women and your daughters about the value that should be placed on them (Yes, this was covered in 2 but deserved it’s own). Let’s not kid ourselves here, I bet you can think of several people right now that came from backgrounds with abusive fathers who are now abusive to their wives. I bet you can also think about women you know that dealt with absentee fathers or fathers who didn’t focus on or understand how to instill self-worth or value into them. It’s painful. You know those women because you have to block them from your newsfeed. You know these men because they’re angry, aggressive jackwagons that can’t see past themselves long enough for the good of others, even when it’s their own child.
• Teach your children the value of honesty. Because nobody, not even other liars, like liars. Honesty is the best policy and on an even more serious note tell your child that if they lie their nose will continue to grow longer just like Pinocchio. Make them watch the Disney cartoon version of Pinocchio to reinforce this important lesson.
• Teach your children respect. Respect for themselves is vital, but it’s equally important they learn to respect others. No one likes disrespectful children. It will also save you tons of time in trips to the school, parent-teacher conferences, bail money, legal fees and similar side effects of those who don’t understand the value of respect.
• Teach your children that real men can show emotion. Teach your children that it’s okay if dad has a glass of wine and sheds some tears while watching Lifetime. Just kidding. If you were following me there, slap yourself. Emotion is important though. Children with stone cold emotionless fathers tend to experience many issues early on and long term that stem from this disconnect. Hug your children, show them love, let them see you show affection for your wife. Let them see you react with human feelings that appropriately fit the circumstance.
• Let your children see you handle difficulty and adversity the right way. The best way to properly prepare your child for one day handling their own problems, hardships and other bumps in the road is to exemplify this in allowing them to see you walk through hard times. Children don’t always need you to shelter them from reality. They often need you to guide them in how the real world works and how they should respond.
• Discipline your children. Yes, it’s work. We covered lazy in number 3. No one likes brats. No one likes unruly children. Even more importantly when you properly discipline your children they learn to be respectful (number 6) and when you teach them self-discipline they can learn to proactively avoid unnecessary hardship by utilizing this virtue.
• Teach your children patience. This ties into discipline but is important to breakdown further. We do our children a huge injustice when we fail to teach them that the best things in life require patience and that with patience they can better enjoy the things life has to offer. In addition, we teach our children patience by being patient with them. They’re not perfect, just like we’re not. Don’t heap unfair expectations or standards on your child. Putting too much on a child sets the tone for a child or even an adult who one day collapses under the weight of expectation. Nothing good comes from it. Take a deep breath, calm down and deal with your children from a spirit of grace.
• Teach your children to love God. I didn’t include this one as much for the lesson (this one is pretty easy to understand) because even an atheist has a hard time arguing over the tenants of Christ. I included this more because by teaching, I mean modeling. Don’t beat your children over the head with “thee” and “though”. Don’t act like you have it all figured out and that by showing up at church on Sunday and reading your Bible you have achieved some mystical level of ninja Christianity that they should one day attain. Don’t use it to condemn behavior or as a scare-tactic for corrective behavior. I’m saying teach your children to have the eyes of Christ. A heart for the broken and downtrodden, the orphan and widow, the homeless, the least of these. Teach your children to see beyond labels and circumstances and identify and relate to the good in people. Teach them to champion the underdog and rebuke the bully. In other words, anything I’ve missed is more than made up for here. Live it for your kids to see.

I’d love to tell you that I myself have conquered all these, especially number 10. I’ve missed the mark on most if not all of them (especially number 10) at some point in time. That’s not what’s most important here. It’s never too late and we don’t have to be perfect. What we need to remember is that our children are a gift, a blessing. Our children will bring us the greatest joy and perhaps pain (hats off to mom’s who take the cake on the pain) in our life. More importantly though is that our children will grow to reflect what we modeled in their lives and be a living reminder of our influence. Let’s do all we can to stay mindful of this and equip our children to be a generation of conquerors. If you see the same world I do then you know we need to do all we can to insure we help equip more and more children to turn the tide back to a world that embraces moral truth.

10 Steps to Not Suck at Being a Woman (From a Man’s Point of View)

Welcome back. In my last blog I covered 12 simple steps that would help men not suck at being men. It was far and away my most popular blog to date. So, I guess we can take a couple lessons from that. One, people love reading blogs that directly confront the failure of men in modern society. Two, given women were the majority of feedback and commentary, women are tired of men who suck at being men.

In the spirit of fairness, I have decided to tackle some similar simple truths for the fairer sex. Yep, I’m going there. We’re going to discuss some steps that can help women not suck at being a woman.

Even though it’s obvious men today do in fact need to step up and be real men, a quick glance around your local high school, shopping mall, social media or darn near anywhere for that matter and it’s pretty clear that women today also need to learn how to be real women. The traditional term for this would be a “lady”.

Real women are the backbone of any society. They are the mothers, grandmothers, aunts and other forms of strong women that shape who many of us are. They raise kids and oftentimes husbands, while also tending to things like being the brain-trust of the household. Food and other necessary provision, basic cleanliness and reminders for everything are just a few of these tasks. Real women simply get things done.

I’ll offer a disclaimer here: It is obvious that the following thoughts are from a man’s point of view. So, once again, save me the woman power, bra-burning wrath often accompanying a man’s thought on anything regarding women. I don’t want to “talk about this” or offer twenty guesses on what’s wrong with you, when it was the first guess and you just didn’t want to admit it. Don’t send the feminazis to my door. I covered this already. I have a traditionalist, Christian worldview, so if we’re already at odds then either quit reading and go start your own blog, or prepare to be angry.

Without further ado, here are my very own 10 Steps to Not Suck at Being a Woman (From a Man’s Point of View):

• If you sleep with any man, be prepared to have his baby. Furthermore, should you have his baby, then be prepared to honor him as your child’s father. No, really. I just said both of those things. Yes, in our warped society it is perfectly acceptable for a woman to haul a man into court seeking child support yet that same man has absolutely no right or say in whether or not said woman even keeps the life or murders the baby. Go figure. Ladies I know that Cosmo, MTV, Lifetime and everything else from the music industry and Hollywood tells you sex is good, cool and yours to have at your leisure. Don’t buy the lie. Never think he’s worth it because if he is, he’ll wait. It may be good, it may be enjoyable but it most certainly carries emotional consequences no one wants to discuss. It’s meant for marriage and you’ll either learn that the hard way or be one of the fortunate few who experiences it the way we’re all meant to. He won’t love you more, you won’t be cooler and you won’t get your own show on MTV. In terms of respecting the man as your child’s father, this isn’t for your own good, it’s for your child’s. You may be the best single mom the planet has ever seen but the fact of the matter is the issues caused by fatherless children are crippling our society. As good as you may be, you can’t, nor should you, replace the role of a father.
• Work ethic. It matters. Don’t be lazy. Real women are the ultimate multi-taskers. They can change diapers, clean messes, prepare breakfast, pack a lunch and make a pot of coffee all before the day has even started. After that they may very well work a job and come home to more of the same and never bat an eye. All of that isn’t what it takes to not be lazy, but equally as worthless as lazy men who don’t provide are lazy women who don’t appreciate, provide, support or anything along those lines.
• Use your softer side to make the world better. Yes, the world actually needs women with woman-like characteristics. Compassion, sensitivity and an overall heart for the weak, hurting and troubled. When most kids cry, they want their mother. When most men shed a tear, the only person who sees it is their wife. Many corporations have powerful HR personnel who are women. Coincidence? I think not. Women are nurturers by nature and what’s more, the world needs that. Quite frankly, real men are better when they have real women in their lives to provide these very things. Also, let’s make note that softer doesn’t mean weaker.
• Don’t be so desperate. It’s disgusting to other women and either sad or an advertisement to men, depending on the type of man we’re talking about (see my previous blog). Stop with the cleavage-filled bathroom mirror selfie that may even include the “accidental” mirror reflection of you in your underwear. Have some self-respect and dignity. Your self-worth is much more than how many likes or comments you garner from testosterone driven, slovenly, leg-hound, skirt-chasing, man-bot boys in men’s bodies. Trust me, if he comments and tells you how hot you are, he’s a member of the Frequent Pathetic-Desperate Man Comment Club. Your poor selfie, along with all your body parts hanging out in the desperate clamor for validation scream of a father who wasn’t there and obviously didn’t teach you how women should be treated by men. It’s also a giant bulls-eye for shallow men who like to bed-hop and dabble in relationship, primarily for a sexual partner, in order to validate their own feelings of insecurity and low self-worth.
• Respect men who are worth respecting. No decent man refers to women as “bitches”, “Ho’s” or anything else along those lines. I don’t care that he’s an aspiring rapper, it’s not acceptable. Never allow men to refer to you or women in general as objects. You deserve and should demand better from any man in your life. Rap and pop culture may tell you it’s okay to sing or rap about women in this manner and then to carry on in normal life like it’s no big thing, but that’s crap. Real men will think and treat all women like they’d want their sister, mother, wife or daughter to be treated.
• Dress for success and for all the right reasons. Nothing sounds the trumpet of woman-hood like a woman who is dressed to the nines and actually looks like she put time and care into her appearance. In a world of yoga pants and oversize t-shirts it’s refreshing when you see those now rare women who always make sure they’re dressed and made-up like it matters. It does. On the flip side, don’t be part of the problem of women who feel that being a woman in an oversexed man’s world gives them a pass to dress like they may have just finished their shift at the strip club. Leave something to the imagination. You may crave the attention but all the things that attention says will often serve as a giant flashing caution sign to any real men who may be interested or as a blue light special to the many pigs out there.
• Honesty really is the best policy. Yes, even today. Among men and women, people respect those they can trust. Men need the woman in their life to be honest. Be it from their wife, daughter or a sister, men need to know that they can expect and rely on honesty from one of the most important figures in their life. Be a woman of integrity.
• Don’t chase the stereotype any longer. Real women aren’t all size 0. They come in many shapes and sizes, heights, colors and other beautiful variations. Quit buying into that People Magazine and E! TV image. This whole world we live in where Kate Upton is somehow plus size is fictitious, stupid, shallow and unrealistic. You are far more than your appearance so accept this and act like it. No matter how beautiful you are or aren’t right now, all beauty will fade and a couple years into a real relationship you’ll be far past the point where the substance is found in physical appearance.
• Don’t be “that” girl. You know, Mrs. Drama Queen. Don’t give women everywhere a bad reputation with your desperate need to be the center of attention. You may have been your Daddy’s little princess (or perhaps the problem is that you weren’t) but out here in the real world women earn respect with substance and integrity. Don’t be the career woman who carries the attitude and swagger of “I can do anything any man can do” but then uses things like her body and sexuality to advance. If you want to be on equal footing, then accomplish things with equal and respectable tools. Namely, your intelligence and business acumen. Don’t be the woman that is conveniently the center of the inevitable storm that follows her everywhere. You’re an adult, act like it. Life, men and other women don’t revolve around you.
• Pat yourself on the back if you’ve already accomplished or identify with most of the points above. You rock and you are the essence of woman. The simple fact of the matter is women are just awesome. While it’s rare to hear of a single father, single mothers in this day and age are the norm. You rarely hear of a grandfather being tasked with raising their children’s kids but you hear of grandmothers doing it regularly. So while the pain of childbirth may well have been a curse, the benefits, traits and skillset required to accomplish it are quite the gift. The old saying is that behind every man is an even better woman and from personal experience I know this to be true. Where would any man be without his better half?

Trust me when I tell you that it doesn’t escape this novice blogger that women actually have less steps to not suck as a person than men. They simply don’t have as far to go and seem to be better equipped from the get-go. So, to all the strong women who have and continue to help me be the man I am today, thank you. Now, you can defend me from the fanatical liberal and frenzied accusations of my male-chauvinism and sexism that will surely arise if this falls under the wrong eyes!