Candidate for President of the United States of America

Today I’d like to formally announce my intention to seek the Republican (really any party that will have me) nomination for President of the United States of America. This decision has come after much prayer and consideration by myself and my family as well as the encouragement of our close friends (I made that part up. I’m a natural for politics, huh?).

I do not take this responsibility lightly and feel that in light of the fact that the Republican party has committed to the shotgun approach and the Democratic party has already placed a stranglehold on any party members who would dare bring a breath of fresh air and wisdom into this race then I must answer my call to civic duty. It is also true that the White House and its staff would be very much appreciated in terms of domestic tranquility and comfort, should my family and I be the elected benefactors. Mrs. Weekley will most assuredly acclimate and appreciate the amenities offered and since she already possesses a heart for children and those who are hurting I have no doubt that she will make the ideal First Lady.

My platform is simple and aims to strike a swift and viscous blow to those who tear at the very moral fabric of our great nation. As your President I will pledge to take the following actions from the minute I am sworn in:

• Chik-Fil-A on Sundays. I do appreciate and respect a company’s right to run their business as they see fit; however, its time Chik-Fil-A takes one for the team and provides high quality food and service in a fast food environment on Sundays. Don’t feel guilty Chik-Fil-A, God’s grace grants you freedom from the Pharisees who will condemn you for your efforts on the Sabbath, namely the same group of Southern Baptists who will make it a point to beat those scaliwag Methodists to your establishment as soon as service is out. Don’t run long on that sermon, brother!
• Glitter will be illegal. No glitter, no time. This disease will be eradicated from the face of the earth and the blight of its stain on humanity will be forgotten with time as it heals our wounds and helps to make our nation whole again. Trust me, we don’t need to vote on this. I have your best interest in mind (see, I have the hang of this).
• No more IRS. To steal a page from the book of my challenger, Rand Paul, I will propose a flat tax that drastically reduces and simplifies the tax code therefor negating the need for what has become the fourth branch of government. All tax revenue will go toward our new electronic bingo institutions. So, this finally provides the opportunity for you, the average citizen, to get a piece of the pie. Money all around! Bottle of Dom on me!
• We will abolish the party system. All candidates must run on a platform of their design and not those of the established political machine. Therefore, after my victory by means of an existing established platform I will abolish said party and form a new one. This will be the Party Party and our theme song will be the timeless classic by the Beastie Boys, “(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (to Party)”.
• All elected officials will immediately be part time and must use the VA system for all healthcare needs as this will be the only government provided system of healthcare, this includes the office of the POTUS.
• All terrorists and political prisoners will be held in a secret location in Nevada where they will only be allowed to watch Lifetime TV. While this may be cruel and unusual punishment, we must do what we must do to secure our country against those who hate us.
• All those on welfare will be required to work at various public service jobs, if physically able. Welfare will not be in perpetuity and will have a limit.
• Kanye West will be deported. He’s rude, arrogant and it’s just time. Wait, he has a family now…Scratch that, one last chance Kanye.
• A task force of private auditors will be assigned to aggressively identify and eradicate all pork barrel legislation and corporate bail outs. All money identified as such and recovered by this task force will be offered in a one-time payment to be divided among all taxpayers and weighted by percentage of tax to income ratio.
• Term limits on every federally elected official. Good luck in the private sector, jackwagons.
• Tariffs on all imported goods or services that can be sourced domestically. Sorry Wal-Mart, it is what it is. Big oil, this applies to you as well. Until the United States is 100% energy independent then we may just have to suck it up and pay a little more at the pump if necessary. It’s well worth it when looking at the big picture.
• Upon any declaration of war, children of Congress that are within the ages of 18-30 will be drafted for service in our military or supporting roles where necessary and applicable. Sorry children of politicians I know it’s not exactly fair but neither is life and we have to treat this as if the majority of normal people care about their children enough to think twice before declaring war and sending someone else’s.
• Being offended is the basis for nothing. If your physical or mental health isn’t clearly endangered, get over it.
• Necessary moral law and absolutes will be biblical. Tenants of Christ biblical, not religious Pharisee biblical. Feel free to practice any peaceful religion you like but if you immigrate here to complain and demand change, please go back where you came from or at least somewhere else. Perhaps France, I hear it’s lovely.
• Free golf lessons and golf at any course in the United States or abroad for any sitting or ex-President (getting better with each declaration).
• Free morning coffee for all! Out of all the things the government currently subsidizes that shouldn’t be subsidized, surely this is a fitting replacement. People are just better after coffee.

I’d also like to be transparent to my supporters and offer the following thoughts for my presidential cabinet nominees:

Secretary of Agriculture: Although not decided, I do know it will NOT be someone from Colorado, Washington or California (for good measure).

Secretary of Defense: Chuck Norris

Secretary of Treasury: Dave Ramsey

Secretary of Justice: Walker Texas Ranger (Shut it. It’s my cab…I mean, your cabinet.)

Secretary of the Interior: Martha Stewart (forgive and forget people, she’s perfect for this)

Secretary of Commerce: Marcus Lemonis of CNBC’s The Profit

Secretary of Labor: Daymond John (The man’s a hustler. He started FUBU in his basement!)

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Madea

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: The founder of Ikea

Secretary of Transportation: Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

Secretary of Energy: Tiger Woods (Knock his decisions and golf game all you want, the man obviously has PLENTY of energy). T. Boone Pickens was a close second here.

Secretary of Education: Mike Rowe (You know, Dirty Jobs, Mike Rowe?)

Secretary of Veterans Affairs: What we know so far here is anyone but Hillary Clinton.

Secretary of Homeland Security: Liam Neeson (you’ve seen all 3 Taken movies, right?)

Secretary of Athletics: LeBron James

Secretary of Shamelessness: Dog the Bounty Hunter (Even the Prez needs folks to pick on.)

Thank you for your support. It is truly my belief that we can take back this country! With the help of each and every one of you and your grassroots effort that is exactly what we will do. Long live these beautiful United States and God Bless America!

Please make all checks to support this campaign payable to cash or send a money order to Citizens Who Support Weekley For President, 1999 Left the Reservation Drive, Krazy, TX 90210.

Charleston: Home Grown Terrorism

Tragedy. Terrorism. Sadness. All appropriate terms when thinking of the actions by Dylann Roof, 21, when he chose to violate the peaceful assembly conducted by his 10 victims, 9 of which he shot down in a cold-blooded and hate-filled shooting spree.

Mental illness? I’m not sure it’s possible to not be mentally ill when you’re in a place dark enough to allow you to prepare for and carry out such a heinous crime. I’m not sure terrorists aren’t mentally ill. I suppose this debate would be left up to the clear definition of mental illness, which to me changes nothing and is simply an issue of semantics used for someone guilty of these atrocities to avoid capital punishment.

Ignorance. Hate. Intolerance. How the roots of this evil begin. Taught and learned behavior. Scary. The love of money may be the root of evil, but ignorance cannot be far behind.

This young man chose the oldest African Methodist Episcopal Church in the south. This same church counted among its founders, Denmark Vesey. Vesey was executed for allegedly trying to organize a major slave rebellion in 1822. The church was burned to the ground and rebuilt by one of Vesey’s sons.

This was a terrorist act. This was, in fact, domestic terrorism fueled by demons allowed to root themselves in the heart of a young man who was very ignorant and misguided. Perhaps that was enhanced by drugs and a twisted ideology. We may never know for sure. What we do know is that this most certainly appears to be premeditated execution of defenseless and peaceful victims.

My dad often used the quote based on 1 Corinthians 15:10 and traced to John Bradford, “But by the grace of God go I.” We all like to think we could never be guilty of an act of this nature and fortunately that holds true for the vast majority. What we can be guilty of though, is the very fabric sewn into the poisonous beliefs that foster these acts of vile contempt and unadulterated evil. History proves ignorance is very fertile soil for fanatical acts of terror.

I am so very thankful that one of the clearest memories I have of being disciplined as a child came from my having called a black woman a “nigger”. I’ll never forget it. The lady did nothing to me to provoke words of any kind. She sat in her car next to me where somewhere in my roughly 9 year-old mind I conjured up the word so often used by one of my family members when speaking of virtually all black people. I remember the lady’s husband coming out and being told what had transpired. Somehow, he collected himself enough to wait on my father to emerge. His encounter with my father was animated. I don’t blame him in the least. I remember my father, as calmly as he could, removing me from the passenger seat of his truck and standing me up to look this man and his wife in the eye and apologize. I still remember the embarrassment and shame on his face. I also remember the discipline and discussion that took place at home.

Thank God this was my father. In south Alabama, in a rural setting, surrounded by otherwise good people that ignorantly used derogatory terms and ideals of black people he was an exception. I never understood why he refused to allow me to hang a Confederate flag in my room. Revisionist history and ignorant people had taught me it was about “state’s rights” and a war of “northern aggression”. Never mind that the primary right in question was whether or not one man could legally own and enslave another and when told no, decide to pick up their toys and start their own country.

To read civil war history in textbooks that were taught in southern states up until the 1950’s and in some cases the 1960’s is nothing less than shameful and embarrassing. We didn’t teach “some” people this. We taught all our children these backward, racist, revisionist versions of history.

This happened in Charleston, SC. A beautiful city steeped in the tradition of the old, Confederate south. One of the last few holdouts that still flies the Confederate flag. To black Americans this flag is a symbol of oppression, regardless of its history. Does it still fly for education and acknowledgement of a troubled history or does it fly as a symbol of pride and salt in the wound of those who were oppressed under that very flag?

This troubled young man with hate in his heart needed somewhere to direct his sickness, his anger, his disease. Somewhere, somehow in Charleston he found something to blame. He found somewhere to direct his vitriol. He found something to blame his discontent on. That thing happened to be disdain and hatred for another race. His haunting words spoken to the person who pleaded for him to stop, “No, you’ve raped our women, and you are taking over the country…I have to do what I have to do.” Sometimes we realize we’ve not come as far as we like to think.

Am I saying that revisionist history and flying a Confederate battle flag make for lunatic rampages that leave people gunned down in cold blood? No. What I am saying is we have a serious and festering underlying issue in this country. We all want to ignore it. We want to point fingers. Truly, people this sick will always find some justification, but how is race still available as the basis of such evil?

The vast majority of us would rather draw a line in the sand and point fingers. Be they at welfare recipients, people of a differing race, religion, political party or any other assorted difference that leads us to not just disagree, but actually have contempt for those who disagree with us.

We all choose to excuse our prejudices and hide behind the various reasons mentioned above. How much time do we all spend trying to separate our biases and understand the position of the other side? One thing I know is that it’s not just the other side’s fault. It’s both sides. It’s the rigid, line drawing refusal to compromise, grow and understand together.

I want to see the first color-blind generation. We’ve made much progress but we still have so far to go. It won’t happen without some very difficult conversations, education, open-minds and more important than all, love. It’s time to wipe the slate clean and see people as people. That’s it. People trying to make their way in a dark and fallen world, just like you and I. Make eye contact, smile, forgive, laugh, lend a helping hand, hug your family and tell them you love them.

Bring love back. Perfect love is what casts out fear. This world needs Jesus, even when it wants to ignore Him, disprove Him or develop an alternative. Not religion, your creator. Pray for the victims and families in Charleston. Pray that this young man’s crime doesn’t become a rally cry for other broken and angry white kids looking desperately for an outlet to channel their aggression. Last but not least, pray for our nation.