Boys Will Be Boys (That Grow Into Men Who Are Boys)

I suppose I should be thankful for the timeless cliché of “boys will be boys”. It has been used to excuse my own mischievous endeavors on many occasions during my upbringing. So, while I’m not opposed to this classic phrase, I offer a word of caution on how and when this is used.

You see, what we have in our current culture is an epidemic. Not so much in medical terms as in terms of psychological development. I’m not certain what the proper name for this would be, although I could offer many, so I’m going to call it “Little Johnny Syndrome” in homage to the tales of a rambunctious and troubled little boy always used to illustrate a dirty or inappropriate joke. I bet everyone in Little Johnny’s life during his childhood was heard to utter, “boys will be boys.”

I’m not taking the stance that there aren’t certain behaviors that are common among male children. We all know this to be true. This in itself isn’t our problem at all. Hey, if your son hears nature calling and needs to take a whiz outside, then by all means, boys will be boys. Do you have a son who wants a tool pouch, lunch box, uniform, hat, boots or anything of that nature to help him look just like dad? Classic and healthy (in most cases, depending on what dad is doing) example of a boy being a boy. This is how boys should learn, from men.

Our problem today is that few men are being men. They’re too busy blaming others for everything wrong with their life, desperately finding ways to hang with their buddies while neglecting family duties and responsibility, or knocking up a woman and heading for the hills. God forbid sex can produce children! Even worse, children require care and the child’s mother may actually expect something of you. What an unjust world! Poor men just have it so rough.

My reasoning for the widespread infection of Little Johnny Syndrome is of course, fatherlessness. However, beyond that I would suggest that “boys will be boys” has become a dangerous and harmful crutch in our society and is often used to justify or explain away behavior that should in fact offer a teachable moment that helps said boy to learn a lesson in order to become the man he’s meant to be and not the producer of another fatherless boy.

A primary example of this would be in how a boy relates to women. So many of us grew up in a time where we progressed from ogling swimsuit models to sneaking a Playboy. What’s that you say? Boys will be boys? Well, there you have it.

Mom and/or dad found out and rather than using this opportunity to have a discussion about the value and respect young men should have for women, we patted Little Johnny on the back and told him it was “normal” to look at those things, normal to be curious. Curiosity is of course normal, but curiosity unguided and left unchecked often becomes harmful.

Fast forward to Big Johnny living a life of fantasy and lust over every pair of breasts, well-shaped female bodies or provocatively dressed women he sees. Big Johnny is thrice divorced and still can’t understand why he’s unable to find a woman willing to perform Cirque de Soleil type maneuvers in his bedroom every night and allow him to sit in his recliner and drink beer during his free time. His computer is loaded with porn and he wouldn’t know how to value his wife at this point if he tried. Sadly, Big Johnny is raising a son just like him without even knowing it and his daughter is out trying to find acceptance and validation from any man that shows her attention.

What’s that you say? Don’t schools teach young men these things? Won’t they learn from other male figures? Sure. They’ll learn masturbation is normal too, but what they won’t learn is where normal stops. Certainly we don’t want to take kids back to the shameful “you’ll go blind” days but shouldn’t this development become a teaching moment to discuss self-control with your sons? Don’t most grown men realize through experience that if they never take charge over their own bodies and more specifically over their male desires, then they’ll live a broken life due to always being controlled by their addictions and desires? Don’t we owe it to our sons to let them know that yes, all boys deal with this, and although they’re not freaks, they do need to understand restraint and self-control.

If you can teach your son to master that discipline then you’ll be well on your way to having a young man with a foundation that can help him achieve true success. If you turn the “boys will be boys” blind eye (no pun intended) then you’ll have set your son up for failure and hardship that was most certainly avoidable.

It’s time for parents to stop avoiding difficult and uncomfortable topics with their sons and start using those very topics as foundations for lessons and teaching that will benefit them more than any book learning they receive at school or university.

Porn, lust, promiscuity, objectification of women are all detrimental to the fabric of our society. Just look around at the number of broken homes, marriages and lives. The numbers put together by the government may say teen pregnancy is dropping, but the underlying issue is left to grow. Our men don’t know and aren’t being raised to be men at all. They’re all just Little Johnny’s becoming Big Johnny’s under the guise of “boys will be boys”.

I’ll finish this with a word to single mothers. I apologize on behalf of men. We’ve failed you. Not only in oppressive methods such as the right to vote, own property, etc. but more importantly in being a generation of men who run. We run from marriage (sometimes right into another marriage), we run from responsibility and we run from our problems. To make matters worse, many of us blame a woman for our own bad decisions and shortcomings. These issues leave you, the child-bearer, with little choice but to suck it up and do the best you can in the best interest of your child.

With that out of the way, let’s get down to business. Women are often the softer side, by nature the nurturer. Kids need both. Yes, they need you to kiss their wounds, hug them when life is hard and tuck them in at night. In the absence of a father, they need so much more. The conversations meant for the father must still be had either by you or a close and trusted male family member. These boys have to understand being men and not fall prey to our culture’s definition of normal.

If a boy grows up watching a mother and her revolving door of men, then that young man will have difficulty in respecting, trusting and truly cherishing women. He’s going to seek that type of relationship and often be doomed from the start. Two broken people, not fully understanding their internal issues, trying to find fairy-tale love. Your son needs you to be strong and respect yourself. He’ll learn so much about how he should treat women from that alone.

Mothers are fiercely protective and their sons are their babies. They react and move to shield, protect and minimize any harm. This is acceptable to a certain degree; however, too much of this and your baby will be that young man that can’t respect authority from any male figure. You may not always like your son’s coaches, teachers or friends’ fathers but so much harm can be done if you don’t raise a boy who can respect male authority. He’ll struggle in school, sports and later in his work. Enroll your son in scouts, sports or some other activity with male authority at an early age. As long as the authority refrains from being physically or verbally abusive (not by your overly protective definition) then stay out. You owe that to your son if you ever want him to be a man.

I’m not sure about the rest of you but I myself strive to raise a young man with character, integrity and godly principals. A young man that grows into a husband and father that respects, honors and cherishes his wife and children. A man that defends the weak and has a heart to give of both his time and resources in order to help others. A man that understands life does not revolve around him and that his life has purpose.

So, what are you waiting for? Go have that awkward conversation with your son now. Teach that young man to control his body, his thoughts and his actions. Discipline, self-control, self-worth and his respect for himself and women will all be better because of it.

12 Steps to Not Suck at Being a Man

Here it is. The day of reckoning. Don’t say I didn’t warn all of you. As I told you, I have opinions and I like to share them, hence the blog. I always welcome healthy, hearty and civil debate. With that said, spare me any unshaven knee-jerk reaction of feminist fury. I have my opinions and you have yours. You’re welcome to start your own blog and I may even read it and disagree strongly.

Today I’m going to tackle a subject that makes my blood pressure rise. Get to the point you say? What is this enlightening insight you wish to share? Calm down, I’m getting there. Changing the world one keystroke at a time isn’t that simple.

I’m going to share some of my beliefs on men. Yes, men. I know, I know. We’re supposed to stick together. Have each other’s backs. Testosterone power. Burp, watch sports, get nagged by our wives, wear awful clothes and altogether be useless without the right woman.

No one ever wants to talk about the traditional role of men anymore. Even worse, men run from their roles and responsibilities like Usain Bolt in the Olympics.

Although there are most certainly exceptions to the rule, overall whether observed through science or societal norms, men are the physically stronger sex. This should tell us all something. Even if you don’t share a Christian worldview as I do, then you still must accede to the fact that men are built for an obvious role. Protector, hunter, gatherer, provider. Yes, it seems your very being as a man is telling you something about the part you are meant to play in this life.

I know this all seems crazy in a world where we can’t even label a gender specific bathroom anymore but if we would all quit trying so hard to disprove blatantly obvious truth in the name of equality and come back down to earth where common sense answers these questions, then perhaps we can move on. Low and behold Bob is Bob and Sue is Sue and with only rare exceptions to this rule, they both have unique traits and characteristics that prepare them to serve in certain capacities.

Now, I’ll stop here and make a few clarifications. I am not a He-Man Woman Hater. I do believe women are just as, if not more capable, of doing the majority of things men do. I do not negate any woman who chooses to be a career woman. I blame this issue more on a society that values consumerism over community and has altogether devalued the role of the backbone of all healthy families (the mother) but that’s another blog entirely. So, let me be clear, women rock. They are smart and equally as competent on the whole as any men I know and being a man in a world without women would be boring and unfulfilling.

What I’d like to get back to here is the topic of men and their role and in contributing to the good of society. We have a responsibility as men, husbands and fathers and we shouldn’t take it lightly.

I have compiled a list we’ll call 12 Steps to Not Suck at Being a Man. I’m trying to help you here, so man up and make some changes if any of this applies to you:

1. If you sleep with ANY woman be prepared to father her child and honor her as that child’s mother. Odds are, a child may not happen but if it does then let’s not act like we’re unaware of what causes children. You think abstinence education is a lie? You think it’s uncool? Talk to Tim Tebow, Jase Robertson or Colt McCoy to name a few. All manly, all strong leaders, all virgins until they were married.  It’s certainly going to be one of the most difficult things to do as a man and isn’t valued in our society today, but the long term reward will be well worth it. As a side note, should a child be the product of your relationship with any woman you have basic responsibilities to that woman and your child. I don’t care how crazy you think she is, how much you hate her, she hates you or anything about her at all. As a man it is your direct responsibility to do all you can to insure your child has a roof over their head and food on their table. Period. End of story. Even the whiny child support stories. What the mother chooses to do with your obligation is not on you. Regardless of what she does, it does not change your responsibility. Your responsibility also doesn’t end there but for the sake of making other points I’ll limit this one. It’s worthy of its own blog.
2. There is no excuse for lazy and there is no substitute for hard work. No one, not even society, wants a man that won’t work. Stop making excuses, suck it up and get to work. You want a surefire way to be stuck in an unsatisfying life spent making mistakes, excuses and blaming others? Be lazy. You will most certainly have to do jobs in your life that you don’t like or want to do. Do them anyway. You do what you have to do to provide, advance and succeed.
3. Man up for God’s sake. It’s okay if say, your daughter, wife, Old Yeller or something along those lines causes you to tear up. Being sensitive isn’t necessarily a disqualifier for a man card. Being sensitive about dumb stuff, well that’s another story. Men need thick skin. If you don’t have thick skin, then you’ll always be susceptible to being played by your feelings. Men will eat you alive and push your buttons and women will eat you alive and push your buttons. So, if the Testosterone Police find you crying while watching Lifetime or pouting up because someone spoke harshly to you then they have every right to blow the Wuss Whistle, put a diaper on you and stick a pacifier in your mouth. You’re a man, act like one.
4. Don’t be so desperate. It’s disgusting. Have some dignity. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT be that guy. That guy on Facebook that comments on every female’s attention starved, cleavage filled bathroom selfie that silently screams about a father who wasn’t there (see number 1) and other insecurities that lead them to seek validation in all the wrong ways. You know that guy because right now a couple names popped in your head. They show up on every single female photo or post with the social media comment equivalent of a bad pick-up line. “You’re gorgeous”, “So Hottttt (with no limit to the number of t’s used just to be sure)”, “I want to be that puppy/baby/kitten or any other object close to the female pictured”, “Still as hot as always” and on and on. This is pathetic. It’s says one of three things about you men, either you’re the pictured female’s bestie and you two should get your nails done together (clear violation of man-code), you’re an insecure leg-hound desperately seeking your own validation, or you’re a narcissistic leg-hound with a Hugh Hefner complex. Have pride and respect for yourself and others.
5. Respect women. Chivalry may be rare, but it’s not dead. I don’t care what a fuzzy-legged, tree-hugging, abortion promoting feminist says. Don’t let a vocal minority ruin it for the rest of them. Open her door. Pull her chair out. Walk on the outside of the sidewalk. You should treat every single woman like you’d want someone to treat your mother, sister or daughter.
6. Dress for success. Many of us may lack fashion sense and it is okay to find some help here. What you wear says so much about you. From the desperate “I hate my father” ensembles of black with overboard piercings and other non-masculine attire to the “I was the fat-kid or dork in high school” offerings of constant muscle shirts and accentuating athletic wear, it all says something. Now, I’m certainly not Mr. GQ as anyone who knows me can attest to, but there are things men can and should wear and things they shouldn’t. Violations of man-code dress code include: Turtle-neck sweaters unless it’s Christmas and your grandmother bought it for you, skinny jeans if you have any testosterone or dignity at all (sorry youth pastors and wanna-be pop rockers), bikini underwear (no such thing as these for men no matter what the label says), fur anything with the exception of a coon-skin hat or bear fur, scarves, ascots, any neckerchief, short shorts (you are not Tom Selleck as Magnum PI and those days are gone), harem pants and leggings. There are most certainly others but you get the point. Dress like a man.
7. Any man is only as good as his word and a good man’s word is his bond. Don’t be a liar. Out of all the things you can be in this life, this is one you should be sure to avoid. It’s not always easy to tell the truth but the simple fact of the matter is, if you didn’t engage in things you didn’t want to take responsibility for then lying wouldn’t be necessary in the first place. Work very hard at being a man of your word. It matters.
8. Be a defender. Courage is stepping up to the plate when others are scared to do so. It doesn’t mean you’re not scared, it means you own your fear. Never be a man who watches others get bullied or abused. Be the man that takes a stand even when it’s uncomfortable.
9. Stop the porn. Really, stop it. Pornography demonstrates a lack of self-control and should be the very thing women fear most about men, in that you begin looking at women as the sum of their body parts rather than their substance. The women and men may very well willingly choose to engage in what you’re seeing but that in itself doesn’t make it justifiable. Strip clubs also aren’t the places real men hang out. Real men value their wives, daughters, sisters and mothers enough to realize that the women they’re objectifying are that very same thing to someone. Even if the women themselves choose to be there, it doesn’t mean you should support it. The problem is you. We’re all men here. We all love and are attracted to beautiful women. It’s how we are created, but we are also created with the gift of self-control. We all have it whether or not we choose to use it. Not using this makes us creeps, not manlier. Porn ruins marriages and lives.
10. Don’t play into the stereotype any longer. Pop culture and Hollywood would have us believe there are no more Andy Griffith’s and we’re left only with Al Bundy and Homer Simpson. Don’t be that guy. Really. Be a man that honors, protects, defends and serves others. Start with your family. Don’t be the lazy, stupid, sex-driven animal our culture says we are.
11. Never tell yourself or your buddies the grass is greener on the other side. Every single one of us have our own set of issues. If you or they leave their wife for someone else, the one guarantee is they’ll have a whole new set of problems on their hands. The new will wear off. The bathroom will stink when their new love uses it too. They’ll have habits that drive you just as crazy. We all like to hear our buddies complain and then take the path of least resistance and validate their gripes. Don’t do it. Hear them, listen, sympathize and be a real man when you give advice. Remind them about commitments and vows. Remind them about their word and their responsibility. True friends speak truth even when it’s not easy or what the other person wants to hear. Now, if this friend is yet to marry, let them run all they want. They’ll figure out the problem is them soon enough or they’ll spend their life as “that guy” we’ve discussed.
12. Mentor others. Men, we have a problem in this world. Too many children are born into fatherless homes. The statistics and studies behind the problems this creates have ramifications throughout our society. Whether through youth sports, volunteering at church, foster children, adoption, reaching out to a fatherless male family member or friend’s child, get involved. Be the positive male role model and example they need. If we don’t start reaching out and being examples of what men should be then the one thing we can all be sure of is we’ll have more and more of the men that no society wants or needs.

Let’s start with these 12. None of us are perfect. Most of us have probably messed up all twelve in some way or another and if not we probably just haven’t lived long enough. The bottom line is that we are responsible for the kind of men we choose to be. Why not choose to be a good man? I’ve yet to meet one person who would say they want their tombstone to read, “Here lies the worst man and human-being to ever live.”

You don’t have to be the strongest, fastest, smartest, richest or toughest guy to be a good man. Start with integrity and go from there. Doing the right thing, repeatedly, lays a firm foundation for being the man you and those around you should want you to be. More importantly for being the man our society so desperately needs more of. It starts with you.