Dear Young Men

Dear Young Men,

I struggle with how to say this. I’m trying to walk the line between sharing some wisdom gained the hard way and coming across as out of touch with your world. I don’t for one minute want to sound preachy. I want you to understand that I’m sharing my heart for you for two reasons: one, I failed miserably at so much of this and now understand what getting this right would have meant for my life; two, I know the Father’s heart for you. Having traversed my teens and early twenties, I now understand all those things God told us not to do, as well as those he told us to do, are for our own good. They’re to help us avoid unnecessary pain and failure.

As I look around our world, I see men failing so miserably every single day. Even worse is they’re accepting it, justifying it, and unknowingly passing it on. The nuclear family in our country is becoming a thing of the past and its demise is eroding the very fabric of our society. So much of it stems from us as men, and our roles in society.

We have to wake up. We have to be better friends, brothers, uncles, fathers, sons, bosses, husbands and better leaders. We have to understand the weight of our responsibility and carry it with honor. We have to do our part.

So much of our failure stems from one particular topic that I want to address to you here. Sex. It’s everywhere, and as men, we like it. We’re visual and physical by nature and that exposes us to so many traps: from pornography to promiscuity, it’s a Pandora’s Box of pleasure leading to heartbreak.

Many of us learn early on to use our skills of persuasion as we desire to gain access to young ladies and their bodies. We sharpen our silver tongues and put on our best “good guy” persona as it suits our end goal. Some of us learn to play the rebel thing to perfection for the girls who unknowingly are trying to fill a void. We basically learn to be con-artists taking advantage of the most precious and valuable creation God placed on this earth: women.

Sometimes, the tables are turned in this and women learn to use the power of their bodies to lead us to do things we know we shouldn’t. It’s our weakness and either alternative has serious consequences when used out of its designed intention.

Young men, you’re being duped. The world is lying to you. After you buy into the lie, you’re being abandoned to wake up in a pool of your own vomit with a thumping headache, asking, “Why me?” Stop playing the game. Stop buying the lies.

All around you, you’re hearing campaigns about stopping date rape and sexual assault. You’re being handed advice that ranges from “use protection” to “make sure she consents.” It’s a lot to take in. The campaign for “No Means No” has been extended to include, “Just because I don’t say no, doesn’t mean I said yes.” Is your head spinning yet?

It certainly doesn’t seem fair to have the responsibility placed directly on the male for a sexual encounter, does it? Logic would lead you to conclude that not hearing “no” in the heat of the moment most certainly means yes, right? Perilous times to be a guy, huh?

One minute, you’re at a college (high school in some cases) party living it up when a beautiful co-ed catches your eye. She’s obviously into you and she’s coming on strong. You’ve both been drinking, although, not to what you’d consider excess. One thing leads to another and your “dream” girl is waking up awkwardly beside you. One week later, you receive a knock on your door from two uniformed gentlemen who’d like to ask you a couple of questions. And just like that, one single night to leave you facing accusations of date-rape and a tarnished reputation. This is the world you now live in.

Might I suggest a radical theory? You are responsible. Not because it’s fair, but because you are a man. As a man, no matter what this world tells you, you are responsible for your own actions. Yes, she’s responsible for hers, but for the sake of your life and your manhood, we’re not discussing her responsibility. We’re going to focus on yours.

Every mischievous high-five, fist-bump and “atta boy” you receive for actions that range from: landing a hot girlfriend, sneaking that magazine or adult video, to sharing your sexual conquests, lead you one step closer to living a nightmare that you, and you alone, are responsible for.

Just like me, you know of fathers (you may even be one) who take the old “boys will be boys” approach to life. Your son scores with a “10” and you should be proud, right? Don’t nearly all men love a nice looking woman? Is it not our very nature to have a physical drive that leads to these attractions and the subsequent actions? It sure is. It is also your responsibility to grow and mature into someone who controls them.

Older, supposedly mature, men who are father figures or mentors are failing you, young men.

Our culture is to the point where naked women in Playboy is not exciting enough. With the inundation of explicit sexual content just one click away, the cornerstone of the entire objectification of women movement is now nearly PG-13, in contrast to the industry of pornography it pioneered. There are many traps out there, young men. You already know this. You’ve already seen it, and yet, no one seems to be talking to you about responsibility.

On behalf of fathers and men everywhere, I apologize. We’ve all played into these same lies and when we finally wake up and understand the truth of this all, we generally fail to turn around and warn you. This is my attempt to do just that.

That beautiful woman is not a conquest. She isn’t a challenge. She isn’t a trophy. She is a living, breathing being, created in the image of God, to one day do far greater things than be used for her body or her sexual performance. She is created to be a wife to a man who cherishes and exalts her above all other women. She is created to be the epitome of warmth, love, and protection for her children in their foundational years and beyond. Yes, she may also decide to kick serious butt in the professional realm, but her gifting far exceeds her career ambitions and is far greater than the pursuit of any man. She was and is created to be God’s own daughter and all that He created her to be.

Even if she lets you, you do not have the right to take that from her, because there is a strong likelihood that one day she’ll wish she’d waited for the right man. It may be true that if not you,  she will allow another man to make her a conquest. But that doesn’t absolve your responsibility to not be that man. We are solely discussing your responsibility here, not hers.

It’s time to grow up young man. It’s time to face the music. It’s time for you to understand who God created you to be. You’re a man. You’re a provider, a protector, a defender of the weak, the head of your household. Start training now. Self-control is a discipline that will take you so very far.

Every girl or young woman you encounter will grow to be so much more than her body, so start seeing them that way now. Control those hormones. Control those thoughts. Understand that your mother, grandmother, sister, and any other woman you know was once just a girl trying to make it in a world that has viewed them through a lens of their bodies and the pleasures they contain.

God created you for her and her for you, but He gave you guidelines. Not because He doesn’t want you to have fun, but because He understands that good things, uninhibited, can lead to the demise of those who cannot control themselves. He wants you to have more fun than you can imagine, which is why His word tries so hard to steer us clear of unnecessary hurt, risk and shame.

If you didn’t take her hand in marriage, then she’s not yours to sleep with. If you did not take a vow to love and cherish her till death do you part, then she’s not yours to sleep with. If she hasn’t committed to be by your side for better or worse, sickness and health, as well as accepting your commitment likewise, then she’s not yours to sleep with.

This world will tell you what you want to hear. Sin itself has its season. It’s fun to fit in. It’s fun to be cool. It’s nice to feel wanted. It’s nice to feel loved. As with most men, the conquest can boost your confidence. It can make you feel accomplished, handsome, and smooth. It can certainly be fun in the moment, but you, young man, you were created for so much more than to derive your sense of self-worth from this.

You can be sure that, in this day and age, if you’re man enough to go against the grain and resist what culture, television, music and worldly men tell you that you’re supposed to do, then you’re doing something right. You don’t want to figure this out after the worldly road has allowed you to steal the virtue of something that wasn’t intended for you. You don’t want to realize you’ve taken something that wasn’t yours. You don’t want to give a part of yourself to someone who wasn’t intended to have it. You’ll want it back one day and it will be too late.

Learn to control yourself, your thoughts, your impulses and your lusts now young men, or you’ll regret it later. It will be an STD. It will be an unwanted pregnancy that you will have absolutely zero legal say in. It will be 18 years of child support and a tie to someone you never intended to forever be tied too. It will be looking at the wife you were meant to have and wishing you didn’t have to battle all the thoughts, images, memories, and bad habits that were allowed to grow in your mind.

You need to wake up. Other men may have failed you, but it’s never too late to start getting it right. Truth be told, until you understand this, you’ll have a hard time being fit to love your wife, or raise a daughter. This world has enough daughters created, abandoned and raised by these types of men. They have their own wounds to heal, their own web to untangle. Don’t be a part of the problem now, or in the future.

For the sake of your sons, daughters and future generations, learn these things now. Those of us who’ve gone before you and fallen prey to these same lies and stereotypes owe this warning to you. Learning and implementing these values as a young man, in these times, will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life. Fortunately, it will be worth it.

Think of all the broken homes, abandoned families, children searching for answers, porn addicts, sex-trafficking and hosts of other related issues that plague our society. Now, ask yourself, is it worth being disciplined, wise and restrained in order to give yourself the highest possible chance of avoiding falling prey to or becoming complacent in these pitfalls?

You have a God-given responsibility and a role to play as a man in this world. Take it seriously and start now. Don’t join the generation of men who’ve gone ahead of you and blissfully ignored and avoided these conversations in hopes that they’re not necessary.

Men who have conquered their physical desires in order to be the men they were created to be are out there, although they pale in comparison to those who haven’t. Some prominent examples are Colt McCoy, Jase Robertson, Tim Tebow, Philip Rivers, Kirk Cameron, Kevin Jonas, Zac Hanson, Taylor Lautner and even Lenny Kravitz, at a later stage in life, taking a vow of waiting until marriage.

As I close, let me point out, if you make a mistake in your journey, don’t let that start a free fall of excuses and justification of further poor choices and behavior. Read the story of King David in the book of 1 Samuel chapter 16 through 1 Kings chapter 2. As a matter of fact, read the story of Abraham and Sarah in the book of Genesis. Abraham’s poor choices and sexual deviance (to be fair, he had his wife’s blessing) with his Egyptian slave brought us his illegitimate son, Ishmael, and ultimately Islam. Men are far from immune to poor choices and bad behavior in this area. Unfortunately it happens, and that’s why I’m trying to warn you and encourage you to strengthen yourself in your self-control. Both examples provided here led to dangerous consequences that not only affected those directly involved, but to those around them as well.

Your fellow men, bros, homeys, and boys will commonly fail you here. Unless they were able to abstain until marriage, their advice is generally going to be based solely on their physical experience, rationalization of their choices, and excuses for men doing what men so often do. Be wise. Know better.

My purpose and heart in all of this is to encourage you to be better, to know better, to prepare, to protect. My purpose it to encourage you to be a man’s man in the most man’s man way; which is making difficult choices now, to better plan, guard, and prepare yourself for your future wife and family. Take it from those of us who often learn everything the hard way. God has a plan for you, and His plan is always the best plan.

Sincerely,

Someone Who Learned the Hard Way